Why?  Why haven’t I been writing for quite a while and if I would, the posts would be about an event or a product discovery or a sponsored one.  When I read my own blog the other day, I asked those questions myself.  As I examined and critiqued my own digital home, I wasn’t happy about it too.  I lost connection to my inner core; the heart of my blog was missing.

So what’s the reason?  We were too busy about the wedding preparations that we have been forgetting to prepare OURSELVES for the true marriage.  Just like any couple, it's normal for us to go through quarrels, disagreements, arguments, and whatever there is that's not synonymous to a smooth sailing relationship.  We were so caught up with the stresses that we forgot to take care our our hearts and our relationship.  There were pains which we caused each other along the process.

I personally coped with the help of friends, with a few diversions, with a lot of escaping and just focused on work, and he by turning to his mobile phone (COC actually) and going out with friends occasionally.  It temporarily eased the burden, but I still went back to the pain, to the hating, to speaking hurtful words, and to sobbing.  I thought solving the problem ourselves would do the trick.  But it didn’t.

Hello loves! How was the long weekend for you?  Ours were quite full, add to that the scheduled days off of our household helper.  I didn't want her to go off for an two nights, but it was her birthday week too.  So even if it was going to be a busy weekend (due to Macky's birthday activities) I allowed her, she deserved a birthday break too.  Anyways, this post is dedicated to the love of my life and I want to share how different his celebration was.

Wrote about my thoughts on motherhood, parenting, pausing and mom wars while sipping coffee.

Sometimes I wonder, am I doing it correctly or where have I gone wrong?  In the more than a decade being a mom to boys, I find myself examining my parenting style if I indeed paved a road to bringing up responsible little men or groomed them incorrectly?

Ahh... parenting or motherhood, is such a hard task which was assigned to us from the moment of the inception of our children in our wombs, whether ready or not.  If the blessing is given to you, you have to fulfill the mother role to your offspring immediately.

When I was a first time mom to my elder child, I didn’t have any idea on caring for another human being and bringing him up to be the fine young man I’ve envisioned him to be.  But so as when I became a mom the second time around to my little one, the experience was totally different.  The digital landscape was so vast too, that bringing up the second one was a lot easier, so I thought.  The two boys are alike and different in more ways than one.

I’m not saying that I am breezing through parenting like a real pro or an expert.  I certainly am not an expert even if I’ve had two already.  I do have struggles in keeping myself sane and composed when it comes to disciplining them.  I also lose control at times.  I sometimes lose it and feel frustrated too.  There were times when I beat myself to guilt when I feel that I’m failing.

I’m just like you.  I feel exactly just how you do.  I get tired everyday.  I feel bad when expectations are not met.  I feel horrible when my kids make the same mistakes over and over again even if I’ve eternally reminded them (especially the older one).  I also wish to take a break (a long one) to leave them to whoever is available to look after them.

I know how you feel, I feel that too.

Want to know what I do to combat these crazy thoughts or to dismiss these insane feelings?  I don’t leave, I don’t shout, I don’t lose it in front of them nor in front of hubby.  I PAUSE.

I pause to think and decide well.  I pause to examine myself if the words which came out of my mouth were helpful, healthy and constructive OR discouraging, harmful, hurtful and destructive.  I pause to give them a break too.  I pause to give myself and my sons, quiet and reflective time to assess everything.

Pausing helps to prevent saying things we don’t really mean and yet we’ve pierced the hearts of our children with hurtful things we already said.

Pausing helps in making both parties, the parent and the child/ren, realize the mistakes done and by doing so, make things happen to correct them.

Most importantly, I pause to PRAY.  I pray that I may fulfill my duty as my children’s mother.  I pray that I will have more patience.  I pray that I will be able to keep up with my children’s activities as they grow older.  I pray that I'd be consistent in the parenting and disciplining styles I use on them.  I pray that I will always be conscious in setting a good example so I may teach them more effectively.  I pray for a bigger and more forgiving heart, so that I may truly give them my unconditional love no matter what may they may turn out to be.

So being a mother is one hell of a tough job.  Being a mother, whether you breastfeed or not, stay at/work from home or not, is a role which drains you physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically, and we don’t need another mother pinning us down just because we are not the type of mother that they are.  That’s the last thing we would ever need.

Why not, let’s just support each other and pray for each other: That we’ll be able to rear our children to the best of our abilities and capabilities; That we’ll be able to bring up good children;  That we’ll have enough strength each day to do our chores at home or at work and at the same time keep an eye on our children;  That we and our children stay healthy and safe all the time; and lastly, that we’ll not go crazy while going through good or tough parenting times.

Hello Mommy,

How are you up there?  I know you're going to answer me with "Ang ganda dito Issa!  I'm no longer in pain.  God is beautiful!"  Knowing how your eyes used to lit up and your voice raise to high pitch whenever you got excited, I can clearly imagine your exact gestures and tone while telling me how beautiful it is there in heaven.

If you would ask me how things are since you left, it's pretty back to how I would like to call normal now, except that you're no longer in the physical picture.  The first six months was really hard for me and more for daddy.  For a time, daddy wouldn't do his usual activities, like talk to friends on the phone, call the radio to comment on current issues, and hang out with his other senior radio commentator friends.  It was also the first time I worried about his health, the pain was affecting him physically.  His blood pressure was unstable as he complained about getting tired faster than before.  I felt his devastation when you left.  So we all struggled to put things back to normal, but you left such a big shoe to fill in mommy.  Slowly, Daddy adjusted to your absence.  Having Dandre sleep next to him every night since the first night we all went home after you were laid to rest, helped daddy cope with the sadness.  You must be proud of your apo Dandre for volunteering to stay with his lolo.  He's grown so big now mommy!  For sure, the three of you wouldn't fit in your queen-sized bed if you were still here. I remember how Dandre would always want to stay in your room and sleep with you.  Now, he's taking good care of daddy.  They both listen to the radio before dozing off to sleep.

Dad's back to his groove now.  He started going out again to social gatherings with his friends.  He's back to radio commenting on a daily basis.  He's now also enjoying his time with his apos.  Daddy is in tip-top shape, his health tests show normal on all levels!  We talk about you every now and then.  How we both miss you and remember you.  We talk when one of us dreamed about you.  He said he dreamed you were wearing a bikini and was just enjoying your time.  I guess that's how it is up there no?  You're enjoying your freedom from pain, worries, suffering, rumors, responsibilities, fears, and everything worldly.  But in bikini!  That's wow!

I am keeping my promises I whispered to you when you could still hear me, when you still responded to what I said, when you were still here, few days before your departure to heaven.  But the first three months without you was depressing.  I would open your closet and just look at all your stuff, your clothes and accessories I used to borrow, your notes here and there, your mobile phone, the things you last wore or used, then I'd cry.  I would sometimes come home really tired and stressed out then think of what we could've talked about, then I'd cry.  Every remembrance of you, I would cry.  I miss you terribly Mommy.  While writing this, I still feel the pain, but not as extreme as how it was during the early weeks.  I had to move on, we all had to.  That's exactly what we all did.

I'm sure, you wouldn't be happy to know that, your plants aren't as healthy as you left them.  I don't have a green thumb that even my new basil plant died on me only a few days after bringing it home.  The house had a little make-over by painting it brighter and re-arranging it to make it spacious.  I'm sure you would have been glad to use the big space for Zumba or your aerobics steps.  But, I admit, it's not as spic and span as you'd had it.  The clothes pile up in one corner because I don't organize them immediately.  You used to organize them yourself even if you didn't need to, and would get irritated at me for not attending to them fast.  Now I know why.  The kitchen.... it's still busy, but not as busy when you were still working your magic in it.  It's still for renovation because the cupboards are dilapidated and look like they're going to cave in anytime soon.  The weekly menu is not as vast as yours, I have yet to learn a lot from the compilation of recipes you left with me.  By the way, I plan to make a cook book out of it, I hope that materializes soon.

I'm sure you'd be excited to know that Dandre is already a graduating elementary student and Wes has started schooling.  DK still remembers you every now and then and looks for you too.  The little ones fight less often and they converse so cutely about movie characters and toys.  By the way, I now wake up earlier than how I used to when you would gladly do my duties in the morning to prepare Dandre for school.  You let me sleep longer because you knew how dead tired I was everyday.  My alarm is on snooze for thirty minutes with five minutes interval until I finally get enough will to get up.  I still have to improve a lot on my review time with Dandre when I get home, I don't know where to still get that extra time.  Indeed you left such a huge shoe to fill and I'm not even half as close as how you used to do it.

Yesterday, we commemorated the start of your new life journey.  The family's complete.  People came to our house to pray a short novena as our send-off to you.  Then we had lunch and the star of the buffet, the Lechon, was your siblings' treat.  We were all talking about you dearly, and had a great time seeing and bonding with each other.  It was a mini-reunion, I'm sure you're happy to witness that from above.

Right now, as I write this, exactly a year and a day since you left for your new journey, I'm coping well.  We've adjusted to living a new normal which is of course sadder than how it used to be with you around, but it's okay.  We all know you're in a so much better place right now Mommy.  I also know, that you'd want us to all move on and let you go.  You being such a worrier for all of us, wouldn't want us to think of sad thoughts and be depressed at every thought of you.  We're getting there Mommy.  Slowly the memories of you in the hospital bed fighting the big C are fading.  They are being replaced by happy remembrances of you!  You being a nagdadalagang Aero-Mom (I used to scan your outfit and make you change if it's too much to handle).  You being a upright Barangay Lupon who by the way still holds the record of having the most cases solved.  You being a dedicated servant of God as Mother Butler.  You being a certified Senior Citizen Organization leader who fought for those who couldn't stand up for themselves.  You being the most faithful and loving wife to Daddy.  You being the most caring, hardworking, diligent, and proud lola to your apos.  And you, being the patient, open-minded, understanding, supportive, strong, loving, and positive Mommy to me and my siblings.

A year without you Mommy, was indeed a tough road, and we're still getting used to it.  But knowing in our hearts that you're at peace with your Creator in heaven made it all easy for us to accept your absence and made it lighter for us to move on and let you go.

I miss you everyday Mommy.  I'm sorry because I don't think I will ever stop missing you.  See you again Mommy... but not soon, please not soon.  I LOVE YOU and I FOREVER WILL!

Love,
Issa

It's happened a week ago but Mother's Day still feels fresh to me, in many different levels.  May is an emotional month because I am reminded of my mom so much.  She passed away last year, and memories of her are recalled so vividly, and of course, I miss her so much.   When she used to be here with us, we both celebrate Mother's Day.  But usually, we celebrate her birthday first, she would have been 71 last May 8, and lastly, celebrate their wedding anniversary.