Dear Mommy Practicality,

Just call me Juan, a full-time working dad in a banking institution.  I’ve been married for ten years to a wonderful and hardworking wife, who also works full-time to help with the household expenses and to help with the needs of our children.  Nahihiya talaga ako sumulat, but I need an advice from a woman, a wife and a mother herself such as you, and hopefully po pati mga readers niyo.  Basically, we don’t have a major problem as a couple, but I have a problem with myself.  A problem which is eating me alive and my wife doesn’t even know about it.

This has been going on for several years already since my wife became a manager in the company she works for.  More or less, you get the idea that she earns way more and her career is way better than mine. 

My wife is wonderful, she is a good mother to my children and she has never made me feel down considering that she earns (and of course spends and contributes more to our family expenses) more.  But when my children asks me for something which I cannot provide, she doesn’t have any idea that my heart is broken to pieces each time.  I cannot take her out to dates as much as I want.  I cannot give her gifts, even if she deserves it.  It’s all because I don’t have an extra, even if I already commute to work everyday, ride the pedicab while I see my tropas’ cars pass by me, and regularly bring baon to work (usually left-overs) still, I don’t have enough savings.  I am crushed each time, I feel so little, insecure and nearing depression.  

She doesn’t know about this, because I don’t want her to lose her respect towards me.  I always give her an impression I’m tough and I’m okay, but actually I am not, I am broken.  I’m eating my pride everyday whenever my brothers and I and my friends and I meet up every now and then and ask each other’s achievements and statuses.  So most of the time, I just stay at home to avoid these conversations.  Please tell me what to do.  I badly need help.

Thank you and more power!

Mr. Juan

Dear Mr. Juan,

First of all, thank you for entrusting your story to me and the blog readers.  Before I replied to your letter, I asked my hubby for his insights.  To start off, he said, to make marriages and any relationship work, apart from love, trust and respect, an open communication is key.  You should be able to tell your wife about what you feel because you exchanged vows to be together for richer or poorer.   

I’m also sure, as a woman myself who has strong instincts, that she could sense something is wrong, but maybe she just couldn’t initiate the talk.  Sometimes, because of these sensitivities, your partner is just waiting for you to make the first move.  Or maybe, she really doesn’t have any clue, because she may be busy with so many things and juggling work with motherhood and wife duties.  I’m sure your wife would like to help you cope up with the insecurity you may be feeling right now because of financial standing you have.  

Personally speaking, there were times or certain years that I have a better career standing than hubby, and there are times, I’m the one financially challenged.  As a couple, we talk about it.  We talk about everything actually, the kids, expenses, plans, businesses, making money, parenting styles, and the relationship itself.  While we try to weave everything together, there are mishaps and crooked strings along the way.  Life is like a wheel, sometimes you’re up sometimes you’re down.   I suggest that you talk it out with your wife.  Let her know how you feel and let her know how she could help you rise above your struggles.  

I also read in a book by Bo Sanchez, that for a man to be truly happy, one should stop comparing himself to others.  If others are more blessed, be happy for them and the sincerity of you being happy for them will come back a hundredfold.  You may try to ask for advice from them or look for another job that will be fulfilling for you morally and financially.  I’m sure you are a wonderful man as well because your wonderful wife married you!  If seeing your friends and updating each other bring you down, pause for a while from the regular meet-ups and focus on the family and on bettering your already bests.

On gifting your wife or taking her out for a date, there are so many solutions to that.  Here’s a secret (for sure you already know this!), a heartfelt love letter, a spontaneous slow dance, holding her hand in public, whispering how much you love her, cooking her favorite meal, telling her she’s beautiful, and massaging her feet, they ALL WORK WONDERS!  And to think I haven’t added- Make Love to her – on the list yet!  No need to spend to let her feel she’s loved and special.

I do hope I was able to help you sort things out somehow.  Communicate with your wife and let her know how she could help you with your situation.  Lastly, pray together that you and your family will be blessed more.  Just be faithful to HIM, trust HIM, because HE provides and HE loves you and your beautiful family.

Sincerely,

Mommy Practicality

~ Dear readers, our letter sender is requesting your advice as well.  Do you have anything to add on what I wrote to him?  Have you gone through the same situation in your married life?  What did you do that helped you cope with it?  Please do share.  Thank you!~

From as early as the little one was still in my womb and while my then seven-year old awaited his younger brother’s arrival, I already conditioned my first-born and prepared him for the next chapter of our family life.

I involved him every step of the way (talking and singing to the baby in the tummy, purchasing baby items, nursing, and even bathing).  He welcomed his brother lovingly and it was such a great feeling to witness how much happy it made him to see his tiny baby brother.

Forward to when the baby moved to toddler stage, while teaching the younger one how to walk, talk, sing, the ABCs, 123s, colors, and simple manners, I was teaching a different set of values, lessons, chores, money handling, and friendship matters to the older one. 

Today, both of them are undergoing transition in their childhood stages.  Kuya is entering adolescence in less than two years and the younger one will start his formal schooling in June.  I am preparing the psyches of both my boys at the same phase and (hopefully) in the same amount of attention and time. 

I may have gone through what I am going through now with the younger one because of my parenting experiences with his Kuya, but it’s still different because they have different personalities.  So it’s like a totally new experience all over again with the little one. 

FOCUSING ON MY (almost) ADOLESCENT SON
Presently, I teach a different set of lessons to the older boy.  It now focuses on topics about serious studying habits, household chores, attraction to the opposite sex, relationships, developing his skills and talents, and being more matured.  I also talk to him about love for family, responsibilities, priorities, consequences of actions, value of trust and current events.  I was told by a parenting guru, that at the child’s age of 10-11, my clock is already ticking until my older son stops wanting me around, starts doing more activities outside family and wants to be with other people more such as his friends or maybe a crush, a special girl.  That NOW is the time for me to make my last hurrah in making sure he’s ready for the next stage in his life.

Just the thought of this is breaking my heart.  But I am preparing myself already for that stage too.  I cannot stop my children from growing, from discovering things for themselves, and exploring what’s out there for them.

LEARNING ALONG THE WAY

You see, as I make an effort every single day to be a present parent to them and intentionally teach them only the good and practical things about life, I also learn from them and the experience at the same time.  It’s a cycle of loving, teaching and learning.  I want to share so much and as much as I can to my children because like any parent of a child, I want my children to grow up as fine young men who are God-fearing, kind, intelligent, talented, smart, compassionate, honest, honorable, responsible and hopefully as good leaders in their respective fields.  I want them to be able to contribute to the community, to the society, and to the country in their own little ways.  It starts by having a good heart and a strong will to make a difference.

Any parent aspires that for their children.  As I work through achieving at least half of what my dreams are for them, of course I have to self-study, I have to learn from the success stories of others, and most importantly learn from the dynamics and uniqueness of my children individually.  I have to learn how to adjust to their different personalities, moods, skills, intellectual capacities, talents and every else that make up their individualities.  In learning from my children, I would be able to fulfill my mother role to them accordingly.   

~These are the adjustments I make and wonderful experiences I have each day.  Do you have more than one child?  What are your thoughts on motherhood and parenting?  I'd love to know, please do share. ~

It was a surreal experience.   A life event which no words could exactly describe the overwhelming feeling I had at the sight of our dear Pope Francis.  He, who is the Pope of the times, who judges no one regardless of gender, age, economic or civil status.  How could anyone not be endeared to him?  He only speaks of love, kindness, compassion, simplicity, humility, honesty, and service.  With due respect to others who think the visit of the Pope is already equivalent to idolizing other god than the main man Himself, Jesus Christ, and who think the Pope's arrival was turned into a national concern worthy of the three day holiday, I disagree with you.  The Filipino Catholics are joyous of the Pope's presence among us.  We are united with the pope in celebrating and sharing the love of Jesus.  It's very far from idolizing the Pope in place of Jesus Christ.  Let respect for each religion or sect reign over any hatred or righteousness.  Personally, the most important thing is we believe in a higher being, in one creator, whatever religion we come from, whatever name we call our God.

At the end of the day, it will all still boil down to how one is living his life according to what his religion teaches.  Are you good, kind, compassionate, humble and honest, not only to others but to yourself?  I hope yes, and if everyone in the planet is indeed good, just imagine how peaceful and beautiful our world would be!  Don't you think?