How To Argue Productively With Your Husband

Remember that butterfly-in-your-stomach kind of feeling whenever we would meet up with our ex-boyfriends, now husband-slash-lover-slash-driv...

Remember that butterfly-in-your-stomach kind of feeling whenever we would meet up with our ex-boyfriends, now husband-slash-lover-slash-driver-slash-mechanic-slash-dancer-slash-cook-slash-carpenter-and-all-the-slashes-you-could-think-of?  Well, it should still feel like that even after having one, two or more kids.  But how now brown cow, with all the many things occupying our schedule and our thoughts from work, from the children's demands, and other activities eating up time?  You just have to be creative and commit to setting aside quality time with your partner.  I've written a post before about 10 Bonding Ideas with Your Spouse/Partner which I look back to and check if we still get to do them.

What if you get into an argument or a fight?  How do you manage to get back on track to that loving-romantic-feeling?   Life couldn't get more stressful when you're not okay with your husband or partner.  I've been there and still fall into that path every now and then.  Fighting or arguing is healthy for the relationship as long as you don't do it everyday or on purpose.  But you have to fight healthily and fairly to make sure things you don't agree on will be sorted out still lovingly and with respect, not just because you have to end it.

Just recently hubby and I were in an argument but I'm happy to say that we're now okay.  We're like any couples you know, we fight too.  Here's how we fought (without going into details of course) productively:

  1. Keep It Private - You don't want the whole world to know what you and your husband is fighting or arguing about.  It's acceptable to tell very few trusted friends (those whom you know will not judge you nor your husband) but still try to select which to disclose, definitely not everything.  Remember this is just temporary.  By telling all, you might be creating a wrong impression of your husband to your friends.  Also, this item means, not to argue in public.  Learn the art of self-control, it will never fail you.
  2. Communicate Your Issues Right Away Using Feeling Words. - If you have issues, problems, if you're hurt, if you don't agree with something he says or does, if you're deeply affected in any way by his actions, if you feel taken for granted, tell right away.  Our husbands are not psychics nor analysts by nature.  Don't harbor your pain or disappointments, it's dangerous.  The small things when ignored become huge.  When it's huge, it becomes harder to dissect and fix, it will also take longer to do so.  Use feeling words when communicating your problems like: "I feel bad when you do this.. or I am hurt when you say that or I am saddened that you did this."  When he hears the feeling words, he will not think you are attacking him hence he won't be defensive right away.
  3. Don't Raise Your Voice - We usually tend to raise our voices when our emotions are heightened.  It's best to keep your cool first before speaking.  Breathing deeply helps lose the tension.  If you want a productive and meaningful argument, raising your voice is not the key to achieving that.  It may only provoke your partner to answer back in the same manner.
  4. Repeat What Your Partner Said Before Replying - When Ms. Universe candidates answer their final questions from the judges, they repeat the question right?  It buys them time to think of what to reply before actually answering the question.  Just like when arguing with our husbands, we should first listen to what they said, repeat what they said for validation before reacting.  We tend to say better and more correct things when we think first before talking.
  5. Stick To The Issue, No Diversions - Don't bring up old issues and add it to your current issue.  That will not lead you both to a healthy discussion.  If you keep on digging deep to your past, you will never arrive at your destination to reconciliation, but just trap yourselves in a pit hole which will make it harder for you both to move on. 
  6. No Name-Calling.  Your husband/partner has a name registered in NSO, he doesn't need another name.  Don't add insult to injury.
  7. Avoid Blaming and being Self-Righteous.  Of course, WE ARE ALWAYS RIGHT!  But we don't need to tell our husbands anymore the obvious.  Kidding aside, even when we are the ones who brought up an issue, it doesn't necessarily mean that we are right.  We may think that we were hurt first so we have the right to be mad.  Who knows, maybe it was his non-verbal way to communicate that he was hurt or he has issues he just cannot explain.  Stop proving you are right and stop blaming him for everything.  It always takes two to tango, as the cliche goes.  
  8. Give Space - I learned this the hard way loves.  I used to force Macky to talk to me right away and settle my issues with him right then and there.  I always end up more frustrated because he didn't want to talk yet.  He said he wasn't ready.  If you are freaking mad, SPACE is needed, it lets you cool down first and avoid saying things you would regret.  If the other one says he needs time alone, then give him space.  Space allows each of you to think and process the situation so you will arrive at a healthier discussion and a solution to your problem.
  9. Don't Let Arguments Linger - Although you need item #8, don't let it take longer than a week if it's just a minor issue.  Any argument is like a wound.  Treat it while it's fresh to heal faster.  If you don't give it attention and just let it be, it will become infected and aggravated.  Issues and arguments don't just die if you ignore it.  You will end up bringing the same issue on your next argument.  Discuss the matter at once with your husband when you are ready.
  10. Getting Even Will Make It Worse - As much as we don't want it, we live in a double standard world.  Even if you were hurt with what your husband said or did, you shouldn't ever think of doing the same thing just to get even.  One mistake will never be corrected by another mistake.  Revenge will just hurt not just your husband, your partner, your relationship and even yourself.  Focus on fixing the problem, not making it worse.
  11. Compromise - When arguing or talking the issues out with your lovey, make it a point that you end it productively.  Sort out your problems, enumerate some dos and don'ts if needed, meet in between, compromise.  Make sure you both commit to what you agreed on.  When you reach this stage, most likely you are about to end the argument and you're on your way to the most exciting part of your argument which is #12.
  12. Forgive and Make Love.  This is the most exciting part.  It's actually self-explanatory.  You're already at the reconciliation part when both your emotions of love for each other are realized and heightened, so you know what's about to happen next!  Boom boom pow! :)  
Feels so great to make peace and love and not war with the person you are with everyday, every night for the rest of your life right?  Arguments will always be a part of any loving relationship.  It spices up your marriage or relationship.  Just make sure you argue productively and end with a loving reconciliation.  Our relationship with our husband is always a work in progress.  A huge amount of love, respect, trust, patience, understanding, selflessness, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, and tears make up the ingredients to a long-lasting relationship, married or not.

So now you practically know how we ended our recent fight no?  Hehehe!  Happy arguing loves! :)  Stay happy and always in love!  

~ How do you argue with your love?  Share some tips too! ~  

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  1. Sheena Mamaril MalateDecember 4, 2013 at 3:43 PM

    Thanks for sharing this. I agree with all the tips stated here. Nagagawa ko yung iba dyan, and it's really effective in minor or even major fights. Natatawa ako sa last part, totoo naman kasi. Bakit kaya mas malakas ang flame ng lovemaking after a fight? Hehehe :D

  2. Hi there @Sheena Mamaril Malate HAHAHAHA!!!! Lakas maka-LAKAS ng flame ang after the fight no? hahaha! :P

  3. Bebengisms | Denise RayalaDecember 4, 2013 at 5:31 PM

    Favorite ko ang 1 and 12. Boom boom pow! :)

  4. Sad to say, we don't argue productively. He will get angry kaagad then silent treatment na. :-(

  5. Nice tips Mommy Louise...How about men or dad like me naman? any tips?

  6. Hahaha! Alam mo ba @Bebengisms | Denise Rayala, MAC was shocked when he saw my post on Facebook Page. He thought I wrote about WHAT WE FOUGHT about!!! Hahaha! Fan na fan ko lang si Daddy Practicality, he read til the BOOM BOOM POW! At yun daw ang favorite niyang line! hahaha! Oops, TMI! hahaha!

  7. Hello @Cymbelly Marzan, honestly, we've gone through that stage in the early part of our relationship. But like what I've said, it really is a work in progress. We both committed to making it work, so we both have to exert effort to change the things that are not helping us. Hence, what I wrote here is a result of YEARS of hits and misses until we've managed to be more productive and I guess more matured when arguing. I'm sure you'll be able to find your way through this path as well. Believe me, we both learned the hardest of the hardest way. We just both love each other that much and we have the strong commitment to make it work. Pray for it as well. :) God bless dear! :)

  8. Naku, @DaddyAllan, madaming madaming madami akong mabibigay na tips!!!! Super TRIED and TESTED!!!! I think I would need to write another post for that! Promise! :)

  9. Good tips! :) We argue and argue as in palitan ng arguments/rebuttal talaga and then we both keep quiet and burst into laughter. It's always like that. Weird couple, that's us! LOL

  10. #1 is so super important! That's something that MrC and I realized a coupe of years ago, and ever since we've learned to deal with our issues in private instead of having a public screamfest (by public, I mean sa house lang naman, at rinig ng ibang family members haha), and ranting to others or online. It makes a HUGE difference.

  11. That is so true!!!! :) When Macky read on his timeline that I wrote something about our fighting. He thought I wrote about what we fought about! He immediately read daw the whole article up to the last paragraph. Then when I got home, he shared how I got him intrigued with my post and he congratulated me for writing those tips and said he's proud of me! Pero kinabahan siya nang sobra.. hehehe! :) It does make a HUGE difference talaga. :)

  12. Hi louise! totoo lahat ng sinabi mo dito. Kaso minsan kapag sobrang inis ka na nakakalimutan ko din itong tips na ito e, hehe! But i'm trying din naman ng mahabang patience and understanding kapag may argument.

    Sabi nga nila, ang marriage pinagta trabahuan talaga at di lang natatapos sa kasal. Very helpful itong tips mo louise. Thanks! =)

  13. Hello Mary Joy! :) I know what you're talking about, especially if you're in the situation itself no? Pero grabe it takes a lot of patience and managing your temper and the temptation to get out of control to be able to achieve productive arguments... ilang years ko pa natutunan yan.. til now, hindi ko pa rin naman super master.. but it has changed everything to the better! :) Have a good day!


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